I thought of her today

I thought of her today. I thought of her smile, and how she felt in my arms when we greeted each other after the long summer off. We always hugged each other when we’d been apart for any length of time. I thought of the cute way she always pronounced the word room as rum.

I missed her today. I’ve started back to work, and my girlfriend that passed away is not there for the first time. It’s strange how we know intellectually that someone has passed away, and yet we look for them still, in the surroundings we were so accustomed to seeing them in. We would always look for each other on our first day back. There’s a total mass of faculty and staff from all of our various buildings and departments; people just greeting one another and catching up quickly on how the summer went for everyone. If we were lucky, we’d find each other before we had to take our seats, but not this year.

She loved her job. I mean she loved it! She’s the one that talked me into this. She was always so sweet and so good with the kids, and she was funny as heck. We always laughed when we got together. She was a little like me, in the way we both could say something, meaning it in a disgusted kind of way, but it made anyone that heard it laugh, and then we'd laugh too.

Fireguy’s always telling me I’m funny when I’m mad, because I’ll say things straight out as I see them, but in a way I wouldn’t even know how to describe. I had a car mechanic tell him he thought I was a riot, because of some things I had to say when he quoted me the bill (a grand in repairs). I wasn’t laughing mind you. My friend was the same way. She had a way of just saying something funny when she was peeved.

I don’t know how much I’ll be posting, not that it would be noticed. Therapy out in the universe, what was I thinking? Right now I just want get some soup and pray I get through tomorrow. That’s all I want, just to get through tomorrow.

Take Your Shoes Off and Stay a While

I’ve written a post to help you get to know me better, and give you some insight into who I am.

Somebody asked me recently what I do with my time. Well, first of all, I won’t have this much free time soon. I might not even manage to be on come September and October. Those are seriously crazy months for me.

On my profile page I list my interests. I do have a rather active social life, I just don’t write about it that much. I feel funny writing about other people if they have no say in it. Neither my friends, nor my family members know about my writing in such a public forum, so I don’t feel it’s fair to go on and on about them. I started this just for me, no one else. I wanted something totally of my own, that I put together. I have written about my one family member that I am worried for, but that’s pretty much about it.

I’m not a spinster held up on some remote hillside. I really do have a life, and a special someone that has given much to his community; he let’s me lean on him when I need to. I need someone like that. I’ve had to be strong and it isn’t an easy thing to hold up to day in and day out, for any of us. He’s a rescuer too, of course. Could you see me with anyone else? You know I would have to have my equal, and he would have to be a nice guy. I have many friends from all walks of life, all socio-economic backgrounds. They have to be good people, caring and trustworthy.

I chose my name Chrysalis Angel, because of the cancer diagnosis, and some attributes of my personality, i.e., being a gentle, caring soul. A chrysalis represents the final stage that an insect goes through before coming into its winged state. To me, it represents a change going from a physical form to a spiritual one. CA, when people abbreviated it – reminded me of the beast I’ve fought and the struggles I have been through. In the medical field we would use this abbreviation to represent the diagnosis in notes.

No, I’m not an angel. I am flesh and blood, human, and as fallible as anyone in our state. I am imperfect, and prone to mess up with some degree of regularity. I accept others for who they are and enjoy the differences, as long as they are not of the criminal element.

So now you know me better. Quite a few of you know all this about me already, but for those new or who pass by, they will know better whether they care to stay and visit for a while or keep moving. I wish those of you that need blessings – blessings, peace, health, comfort, prosperity and love in your life. Chrysalis

*If you don’t see photo credit on the photo, or with the photo, the photo is mine, as is this one.

The Stigma Still Exists

A post I read from another blogger reminded me of an incident, and I’ve had a few, where I felt a slow bubbling anger rising inside. Yes, I’m a sensitive and kind person, but I get angry too.

One of the difficulties, and there are many, of having cancer young, is if you survive through the treatments and get to a place you feel well enough, you then need to find a way to work again. To build a career, or find that place in society where you can contribute, where you can thrive, as well as contribute.

I’m an honest person, so I was open about my diagnosis when applying for employment. Foolish? Yes. Down right stupid I suppose. I had great credentials and I was always liked, until I mentioned cancer. Employers want to know why there’s a gap, but they don’t want to know it’s from cancer.

One of the worst feelings I ever had was from an interview from a psychologist's office, no less. I figured with my medical background I would be great at booking appointments, and helping out in the office. When I was finished explaining how I was healthy now, the person would not even shake my hand. Instead, they backed away like they could catch “it” from me. I went home and cried. I learned to hide a part of myself that day. I filled in the gap on my resume with some other odd work I’d managed to do, and the person I worked for said they would supply my recommendation for a job well done. In effect, I felt I learned to lie that day. I haven’t really lied, but hid the gap; to me it’s always felt like lying.

Cancer was a hard thing to go through and I have to live with the thought of its return everyday. I feel angry I can’t be open about it. I feel angry to have to hide who I am, because whether I like it or not, cancer is a part of who I am, just like all those ambulance calls I’ve been on. One of the things I've learned is how we all squelch who we are inside at times, just to be acceptable, to conform, and to not rock the proverbial boat. I detest the fact we can’t just be who we are. So afraid of each other, so afraid to say the wrong thing, or make a mistake as you learn new things. People are held back by fear. Cripe, we can’t even reach out to one another down here. Even when there are no strings, no agendas, just being who we are, we have to be so careful. It saddens me. It won’t always be this way, but for now it down right stinks.